It’s been a while, but I feel the need to write. Unfortunately, due to the current housing crisis, I’m moving from the city I’ve been living in for the last 7 years. I’m actually buying my childhood home. I haven’t lived there since I was 12… so it’s been 30 years… 🤭🤫 I’m revealing my age here 🤣 We’re fixing the house up and making it ours. The unfortunate part is that it’s in my home town. The town where I was in a domestically abusive relationship. It’s bring up traumatic feelings. Things I’ve repressed are flooding in. I’ve tried to write about it so many times. I always start with not remembering the first time he hit me, I do remember the first major sign of jealousy though. We were at the Canada day celebrations in the city where I currently live. Some guy came over and started talking to us. He was drunk, obviously. Anyway, I am/was a friendly person, so when he asked for a hug, I had no thoughts about it, and hugged him. My ex flipped out. I wasn’t doing it to disrespect him at all, that’s just the type of person I am/was, and the guy wasn’t my type or anything. Again, I felt nothing was wrong with giving a drunken stranger a hug. To clarify, this was wayyyy, wayyyy pre-Covid, July 2007. I mean, had it been now, I could understand, and I wouldn’t have given a stranger a hug 🤷♀️ Maybe I’m too aloof sometimes, but really, the guy wasn’t some kind of sexy god type of creature that I was drooling over. My ex, like a rabid dog, snapped and grabbed my arms and said “we’re leaving.”
Im a true believer in what goes around comes around, and maybe that’s part of my problem. This brings back a memory of when I was hanging out with an ex of mine at a dance club. I generally don’t stay friends with exes, but this situation was complicated, because we lived together in a strange city going to school. Anyway, I knew one of his classmates had a crush on him. I wasn’t over the relationship, which made things worse. She started grinding on him on the dance floor. The red flag flew in front of this raging bull (me). I jumped between them, pushing him away from her. I was drunk. No excuses, but if I was sober, I don’t think I would have acted as such. I would have just stewed, steam coming from my ears. I’m surprised I just didn’t start making out with one of his friends, to be honest… 😬
Anyway, that was the first sign of jealousy. We also had a separately mutual friend (we were both friends with him, but knew him from different places, not together). He was back in town. He had moved to the US, but back on vacation or something. I think him and his wife had just separated. Anyway the three of us went out for a drink and to the movies. Afterwards, we went our separate ways. My ex asked “what was that?!?” Again, not realizing anything happened, because NOTHING HAPPENED! I asked what he meant. “You were acting different with him” 🤷♀️ um no, I wasn’t. Ugh. I wish I had realized these were signs. Im not a jealous person, typically. Im too aloof, I guess. One time he purposely tried to make me jealous and it finally worked. He was vibrating with excitement. I remember a guy I was seeing once told me jealousy was a sign of love. Idk about that. Seems kind of a warped way of thinking to me.
Recently, I’ve learned from a few friends that ex is dating one of my college friends. So that coupled with moving back to my home town are stirring my fear pot. I really don’t want to involve myself in their relationship at all, but on the other hand, I don’t want her to go through this.
That’s enough for now. I’ve got stuff to do today, and writing brings me into another world, that I don’t have time to deal with right now. Probably another part of my problems… not taking time to deal with things. That’s what my hubby always tries to get through to me.