Where Is Christmas?

I usually love the time leading up to Christmas the best. The hustle and bustle. Seeing all the happy faces, shopping, decorating, wrapping gifts, baking, visiting, hearing the Christmas songs. Even just the sense of urgency that comes with getting ready for the big day…. And then, once Christmas Day comes, it’s all over, and it’s kind of sad.

This year is different. I didn’t get that Christmas “rush.” I’m kind of looking forward to the slow down of Christmas Day. I think it’ll be a nice change… It could be due to the circumstances. COVID? My age? Or maybe just because the whole year has seemed like a sense of urgency… 🤔

Helpers in the Sky

I was having a particularly stressful day (to go along with my stressful year, I suppose). I had questions about circumstances occurring in my life that I’m not sure what to do about. I went down to the cafeteria at lunch, and on my way, I noticed a display of pamphlets set up and one actually had answers to my problem.

Then, this afternoon on the drive home, there was a heart drawn in the clouds. It wasn’t a heart shaped cloud, but rather it looked like someone drew it in the clouds. Then, suddenly, it vanished shortly after I spotted it.

Moving Back Home

It’s been a while, but I feel the need to write. Unfortunately, due to the current housing crisis, I’m moving from the city I’ve been living in for the last 7 years. I’m actually buying my childhood home. I haven’t lived there since I was 12… so it’s been 30 years… 🤭🤫 I’m revealing my age here 🤣 We’re fixing the house up and making it ours. The unfortunate part is that it’s in my home town. The town where I was in a domestically abusive relationship. It’s bring up traumatic feelings. Things I’ve repressed are flooding in. I’ve tried to write about it so many times. I always start with not remembering the first time he hit me, I do remember the first major sign of jealousy though. We were at the Canada day celebrations in the city where I currently live. Some guy came over and started talking to us. He was drunk, obviously. Anyway, I am/was a friendly person, so when he asked for a hug, I had no thoughts about it, and hugged him. My ex flipped out. I wasn’t doing it to disrespect him at all, that’s just the type of person I am/was, and the guy wasn’t my type or anything. Again, I felt nothing was wrong with giving a drunken stranger a hug. To clarify, this was wayyyy, wayyyy pre-Covid, July 2007. I mean, had it been now, I could understand, and I wouldn’t have given a stranger a hug 🤷‍♀️ Maybe I’m too aloof sometimes, but really, the guy wasn’t some kind of sexy god type of creature that I was drooling over. My ex, like a rabid dog, snapped and grabbed my arms and said “we’re leaving.”

Im a true believer in what goes around comes around, and maybe that’s part of my problem. This brings back a memory of when I was hanging out with an ex of mine at a dance club. I generally don’t stay friends with exes, but this situation was complicated, because we lived together in a strange city going to school. Anyway, I knew one of his classmates had a crush on him. I wasn’t over the relationship, which made things worse. She started grinding on him on the dance floor. The red flag flew in front of this raging bull (me). I jumped between them, pushing him away from her. I was drunk. No excuses, but if I was sober, I don’t think I would have acted as such. I would have just stewed, steam coming from my ears. I’m surprised I just didn’t start making out with one of his friends, to be honest… 😬

Anyway, that was the first sign of jealousy. We also had a separately mutual friend (we were both friends with him, but knew him from different places, not together). He was back in town. He had moved to the US, but back on vacation or something. I think him and his wife had just separated. Anyway the three of us went out for a drink and to the movies. Afterwards, we went our separate ways. My ex asked “what was that?!?” Again, not realizing anything happened, because NOTHING HAPPENED! I asked what he meant. “You were acting different with him” 🤷‍♀️ um no, I wasn’t. Ugh. I wish I had realized these were signs. Im not a jealous person, typically. Im too aloof, I guess. One time he purposely tried to make me jealous and it finally worked. He was vibrating with excitement. I remember a guy I was seeing once told me jealousy was a sign of love. Idk about that. Seems kind of a warped way of thinking to me.

Recently, I’ve learned from a few friends that ex is dating one of my college friends. So that coupled with moving back to my home town are stirring my fear pot. I really don’t want to involve myself in their relationship at all, but on the other hand, I don’t want her to go through this.

That’s enough for now. I’ve got stuff to do today, and writing brings me into another world, that I don’t have time to deal with right now. Probably another part of my problems… not taking time to deal with things. That’s what my hubby always tries to get through to me.

I Think I Need an Exorcism

I had another dream last night. Someone I used to know was in it, running around in a tailspin, not talking to me. I said “yeah, he does that sometimes.” There were a few girls there, I’m not sure who they were, maybe from the movie I saw bits and pieces of last night (Annabell 🤣). Anyway, they were looking up demons online and I made this weird creepy face (I could see myself in the mirror), and said look up “______” because that’s who I am! I woke up spooked. Of course, I looked up the meaning and it said in real life you could feel like you are showing your worst or weakest side. I am.

My world is shifting and changing out of my control, yet again. It’s been a while, and I’m not handling it well at all. I’ve been angry and depressed. I had to stay home from work for 3 days this week, and I don’t even remember what I did, it’s all been a blur.

My dad had a heart attack last month, and had to have open heart surgery. He’s in his 70s and a diabetic, so of course I was a wreck about that. Then our landlord is talking about selling the house. There is talk of us potentially buying it, however, it’s a seller’s market, so I have no clue how much she’d be looking for, I don’t want to pay double it’s worth, for the market to crash down the road. Normally I’d just say fine and move, but there is nowhere to move to. We’re in the middle of a housing crisis. We’ve been very lucky to be protected from the virus on our little island, and with people working from home in other places, many people decided to move here and buy up any and all properties for a ridiculous price.

I can’t blame our landlord for wanting to sell and get money out of her property now, while the market is on fire. I just like our house and I am very content staying here. I’ve never wanted to buy a house. I don’t like the idea of being tied down, and I know the universe likes to throw a wrench in my plans, when it comes to settling down. I have bought twice (almost 3 times) in the past because I felt pressured to do so. So again, this would be pressure-related I guess, but I don’t feel opposed to doing so, other than what the price may be.

That’s enough for now. I’m feeling deflated again.

Analyzing My Dream

I’m looking back to analyze my devil dream. What I’m reading mostly encounters the dreamer being afraid, but I wasn’t afraid. At first I thought it was someone with a wrong number. Then when he could see me through the video chat, I was kind of annoyed and dumbfounded that he could see me and that I didn’t know. However, I was never afraid. I actually woke up and went back into the dream, which was more lucid, and I blew him away with my eyes/mind power over and over again 🤣

I’m still curious though. This wasn’t my first demonic dream, but I used to wake up paralyzed in fear. Very different dreams.

Now I have been facing some stress in my life. Yesterday a calmness came over me though. I’m not usually stressed out, but work had been getting to me this past year. At first it was the fear of covid and working in a hospital. Then it was all the work because of the hospital somewhat being locked down. Then the catch up period. We’ve been very lucky to have been so minimally affected here so far. Anyway, December and most of January have been hell at work, mostly due to the catch-up period, and then my coworker was out for 3 weeks and no casual to help, but she’s back and it’s starting to normal out again. Knock on wood ✊ 🪵

There are other things going on, but there’s always something, so nothing out of the ordinary. Saturn has moved houses in my Astro chart, and soon Pluto will be shifting too, so big changes are on the horizon, I imagine.

Last night I had a dream that my sister-in-law and her family send a card with $150 and my brother-in-law and his family also sent us money, $50 maybe? It seemed as though it was Christmas and I felt so guilty that we didn’t give them anything. That wouldn’t happen though, we always give Christmas present.

That’s all I can expand on for now about my dream world. I’m going to read a bit more, get my 10000 steps in, and work on switching one of the bedrooms back into a bedroom and rearranging the office.

Dream

I had a dream last night, I received a phone call, the voice was breaking up, and staticky, but it was a man’s voice, and he was asking about buying the farm I had for sale. I told him he has the wrong number. He was talking about living on the streets or being homeless, but he has the money saved up to buy the farm. I told him again he has the wrong number and I thought I hung up, but then I could hear him clearly, he said “you have a devilish look about you, don’t you?” I looked down at the phone, it was on a video call. He was dancing around and was dressed in a red devil’s costume. It was kind of like there was a devil filter on the call, the details, like horns, flashed in and out. Then he said “no, you’re not the devil… because I am!” And I said back (also I had the filter) “No, I am!”

There was more stuff going on, but that stood out the most. Sometimes when I have phone call dream, it’s like I’m picking up someone’s conversation. Or someone is trying to communicate to me. I’d say I picked up on someone’s cryptic conversation.

Easter Monday

When I haven’t eaten, it’s surprising the food I’ll dream about….

It’s Easter Monday, I’m in bed with the window slightly open, it’s raining, but the birds are calling outside. and in the living room, I can faintly hear some Disney music along with the pet birds singing… it’s kinda cozy.

On the note of my foodie dreams, I think I’ll get up, have pancakes, and maybe score some Easter candy on clearance 😉

Dreams

I just woke from a dream that felt so real. It was about an old friend of mine, well not “old” we’re the same age, but a good friend of mine when we were teenagers. Anyway, a while back I noticed he had deleted me on fb, I was hurt, not mad hurt, but sad hurt. He was still friends with others that were less of friends. Maybe it was the mistaken identity thing again? I’d known him since grade 7 when he moved here, and like most of my dear friends, we didn’t hit it off right away (I don’t know why, but SOME people are intimidated of me at first 🤷🏻‍♀️). Well anyway, in my dream I was at work and ran into him and we hugged like old friends do when they haven’t seen each other in many years (2000 was the last time I seen him in person, he had moved away) (purely platonic friendship, btw). I told him how sorry I was about his brother passing away (he did a couple of years ago), and we were just walking down the hall talking, and I casually brought up the fb thing and he ran away… 🏃🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♀️ I caught up to him and asked why he ran away when I asked him about FB, he said he was having a test done, and they told him if he felt his stomach ache, he better get close to the nearest restroom 😂 The dream was just so real.

It’s the super, blood, blue moon, lunar eclipse… Should I be expecting the unexpected? 🌝🌒💫

A week and a half ago, I started intermittent fasting, I basically don’t eat until noon, and supper is my last meal.  I thought I’d have trouble with this, but I was only slightly hungry around 930 am, which would normally be “second breakfast.”  Even after supper I’m not hungry. For years I was brainwashed to believe you had to eat several small meals to keep your metabolism up, well all it did was make me hungry apparently.  I’m down 3 lbs 😊 

I was reading about keeping my white cell count down, which would help to control my ms.  I read exercise increases white cell count 😱 Temporarly, but it makes sense why I’d have issues when I’d work out hard, sometimes just power walking would affect my legs.  I’m really terrified to take any medication, even now when there are pills instead of just injections, my instincts say “NO!!!!!” I was also watching a documentary about a doctor doing research on people with ms, they all had a block in their cs fluid caused by their spine.  Each patient had a significant neck trauma, and approximately 11 years later, ms symptoms.  My time frame was 13 years. I knocked the mirror of a truck off with my head on November 19, 1991, and the first time my body started tingling on my  right side, it was late September 2003, for about a week.  I remember because it was around the day hurricane Juan came.  I had also also hurt my lspine and right hip, my first neuro wanted to MRI that area, but I didn’t see him again.  I should mention this to my newest neuro.  I had symptoms of fatigue prior to that tingling spell, and weakness.  The fatigue was like being drugged.  A year or two prior, Paul and I had gone to Moncton and all of a sudden I felt like I was sedated, we had to leave what we were doing and go back to the hotel.   I remember being in sewing class in grade 8 or 9 and I almost fainted.  In gym class in grade 10, while running laps, I felt really weak, I was diagnosed with asthma after that, but the thing is, I never wheezed until I took puffers.  

There’s an advertisement about a show called “He Lied About Everything” sounds like some people I’ve known!